It Makes Sense to Watch Latin Heat Cinema

Here are just 10 reasons why you should watch Common Sense Mamita on Latin Heat Cinema.

1. She's hotter than Dr. Phil. Hey! She's a Latina!
2. Gives uncommonly sensible guidance and help.
3. In the Age of Trump, Mamita is the voice of reason.
4. The "Most Interesting Man in The World" finds her fascinating.
5. Her counseling is handier than a Swiss Army Knife.
6. Dr. Ruth watches her show and takes notes.
7. She's as medicinal as a bowl of menudo for a hangover.
8. Mamita is the spicy ingredient in sage advice.
9. Her show is on Latin Heat Cinema.
10. Did I mention she's hotter than Dr. Phil and a Latina?

"Dirty Cues" Serves Up The Laughs

Every time I see the opening scene of The Poseidon Adventure with the late, great comic actor, Leslie Nielsen, at the helm, I think to myself, “Please turn this fine, serious disaster film into a silly spoof of a disaster movie like Airplane! You’ve already got Leslie Nielsen in the cast for goodness sake.”

Comedy is hard to do. Good comedy is even harder to do. It isn’t enough to write funny jokes or lines. Delivering those droll lines with the right flair and comedic timing is a much-underappreciated acting art form. Just ask Cary Grant His classy performances in countless, memorable light comedies was never acknowledged with an Oscar.

Leslie Nielsen, the once serious actor became the master of deadpan, comic acting. As Lt. Frank Drebin in Police Squad, Nielsen delivered his lines with all the thespian gravitas of Laurence Oliver performing a soliloquy from Hamlet, with hilarious results.

The synopsis of Dirty Cues, a new web series on Latin Heat Cinema’s growing menu of diverse, entertaining, streaming attractions offered on Latin Heat Entertainment. reads: When a Colombian cartel starts laundering money through Spanglish movies in Hollywood, a rookie FBI agent must play the role of a lifetime.” Oh no!” I once again thought to myself, “Not another violent, bloody, melodrama about a drug cartel. I’ve already seen La reina del sur four times. Loved it and especially loved Kate del Castillo. But enough already!”

Well, truth be told, I can’t get enough of Kate del Castillo. But that’s a topic for another article.

Back to Dirty Cues. Thankfully and happily, Susie Lohse and César Camiño, the creators of this original web series, are taking a smart, campy, and very funny look at a very troubling and topical subject; money laundering by drug cartels in the USA.

Javie, a Colombian narco trafficante, is running a Spanglish language movie studio in Hollywood as a money laundering operation for his drug kingpin boss. Javie’s studio turns out Spanglish movie knockoffs for the Hispanic community. Example: Fifty Shades of Gray is re-packaged as Fifty Shades of Azul. In addition to the usual headaches a studio boss deals with, Javie’s ditzy, trophy wife, Mazy, wants to have a baby. Problem is, this Latino Lothario’s equally ditzy mistress, Cherry, is also very demanding of his personal “attention.”

In one amusing moment, Cherry confronts Javie on his lack of fidelity to their extra-marital affair.

“I’m faithful to you Javie,” she whines pitifully, “But I know you are not faithful to me.”

Javie protests innocently: “Cherry, I’m married.”

Meanwhile, a rookie FBI agent, Daniel, has infiltrated the studio posing as a cameraman. He becomes smitten with a struggling screenwriter, Anya. Daniel’s partner, Edith, a veteran FBI agent, cautions Daniel not to get involved. Ignoring her own advice, Edith accidently finds herself in the middle of a scene rehearsal and reads for a part. She gets the acting bug and later confides to Daniel:

“I’m an agent in need of an agent. I gotta get some representation.”

Travis, the studio enforcer who is suspicious of Daniel and thinks he might be a mole, warns him with pitch-perfect, icy, cold-blooded menace:

“I’ll be watching you like a pedophile in a Chucky Cheese.”

What a great line! Wish I’d written it.

Dirty Cues’ short episodes are, without exception, laced with witty repartee, goofy gags, raunchy double entendres and clever, cultural references. In tone and tenor, Dirty Cues has many similarities with the old Comedy Central cop show spoof, Reno 911, which was a personal favorite of mine. Dirty Cues is a highly watchable, madcap romp with some zany characters through the world of drug cartels by way of Hollywood. Kudos to creators, Susie Lohse and César Camiño

Let’s face it kids, we will need all the laughter we can get the next four years. Thanks to Latin Heat Cinama, Dirty Cues will serve up more than its fair share of welcome comic relief. Somewhere, I’m sure Leslie Nielsen is watching Dirty Cues and chuckling with delight, approval and pride.

Watch Dirty Cues, along with Leslie, on Latin Heat Cinema.

Close "Encounters" of the Brief Kind

My father died this past June. Sadly, we had a diffuclt relationship and never communicated on a meaningful level. Even during his decline, when I spent a lot of time with him, we did not become closer. However, towards the end of his life, he revealed a long-kept family secret. He off-handledly remarked in a moment of weakness, that he had fathered a daughter out-of-wedlock. A daughter whose existence had been swept under the family carpet for sixty years.. I had a half-sister!

I found my half-sister a few days before Dad passed away. Unfortunately, I was not at his bedside when he died quietly in his sleep. in his home with family and friends around him. But he left us with so many unanswered questions. So many things I wanted to find out from a father, who I apparently, didn't know at all.

I wonder how one last conversation with my father might have gone after he had passed to the other side.

My situation is not unique. As a matter of fact, I've found out that it is more common than people like to acknwledge

Miguel Torres, the creator of the award-winning web series Encounters, has fashioned a powerful, dramatic storytelling platform to explore those haunting questions. Torres, like a latter-day Hispanic Rod Serling of Twilight Zone classic TV fame, outlines the premise of Encounters in the series trailer, as well at the beginning of each episode.

The Encounters episodes, produced by Angel Flight Media and True Form Films, are short teleplays,

vignettes, snapshots, beautifully composed in a cinéma vérité style. The acting is understated and restrained. And despite the supernatural theme of the stories in Encountgers (conversations with the dearly departed) the productions are totally devoid of eerie special effects or CGI magic. This conscience decision to shun artifice in favor of strong storytelling is the emotional foundation of Encounters. All these elements come together nicely in my favorite episode to date titled: The Moment Between the Lights.

In this story of guilt following a night of drinking and driving, director Chris Banda masterfully uses the natural, nighttime, film noir atmospherics of LA to frame this dark, moody meditation. Two young friends drive around at night, talking. One of them is responsible for the death of the other. During the course of this 11 minute play, the dialog shifts from wistful, boyhood nostalgia, personal regrets, anger, accusations and finally, forgiveness.

I identified so much with this particular episode, I sent the link to my best friend. We had spent many a night in our long ago youth driving around downtown San Jose. Luckily for us, without the same tragic results.

Encounters is an almost entirely Hispanic enterprise; production, writers, directors, cast, crew. All the brief teleplays take place within the context of the Latino community. However, the Latino culture and occasional use of Spanish in the dialog, is just the backdrop for the universally recognizable themes that resonate in every culture. Encounters examines tough subject matter like sexual abuse, suicide and a mother's guilt over the death of her child, without lapsing into melodrama or arch, soap opera theatrics.

Encounters has opened up a personal Pandora's Box of possible conversations with the people involved in  the family secret of my half-sister; my father, my sister's mother, our grandmother, and other family elders who managed to keep secrets better than the US government. They're all gone. They have so much 'splaining to do.

Watching Encounters can sometimes be a disturbing experience, but ultimately, it's a cathartic one because the compelling stories help us realize we are not alone.

You can encounter Encounters, as well as other fascinating web streaming features, on Latin Heat Cnema within the web pages of Latin Heat Entertainment online magazine.

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A Successful Disaster Film

Movie Review: Deepwater horizon
Director: Peter Berg
Screenplay: Matthew Michael Carnahan, Matthew Sand
Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Kurt Russell, Gina Rodriguez
Genre: disaster, action / adventure
Country: USA

Here in San Antonio, gas prices are $2 a gallon. Life is good. The world may be going to hell in a deplorable hand-basket, but if gas is cheap, life is good.

Gasoline is like pork chops. When you buy pork chops at the grocery store, you never fully imagine the horrors the unfortunate Porky Pig went through before ending up in a frying pan.

It's the same with gasoline. Gas just magically appeasers at the gas pump. Pop in the nozzle. Fill it up. Go inside the 7-Eleven, grab a bag of spicy Cheetos, a handful of Slim Jim's, a Big Gulp, swipe your credit card. Presto! You're ready for San Antonio traffic jams and a two hour commute home.

But, of course, the process of drilling for oil is a complicated, enormous undertaking fraught with life-threatening perils. The story of the hard-working people who labor on off-shore oil rigs, so we can fill up our SUV's, is brought to explosive, flaming life in Deepwater Horizon.

On April 20, 2011, the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, located in the Gulf of Mexico, exploded killing eleven workers. The resulting oil spill was the largest in history. The US government estimated that 210 million gallons of oil spewed into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico causing unimaginable, wide-spread devastation to the environment, wetlands, beaches and wildlife. After 87 days of continuous oil discharge, the well was reportedly sealed.

Deepwater Horizon is Hollywood's latest offspring from it's very successful pedigree of “disaster” films. The disaster film formula is simple. Take a disaster, any disaster: earthquake, flood, volcano eruption, fire, the Trump presidential campaign. Toss in an ensemble cast of character actors along with spectacular special effects, stir for a couple of hours and viola; instant summer blockbuster!

As a disaster film, there's much to like about Deepwater Horizon.

You can't argue with the cast headed by veteran action / adventure stars Mark Wahlberg and Kurt Russell. Wahlberg, as Mike Williams, gives another steady, believable performance as a blue-color “everyman” who finds himself becoming a hero in a horrific situation.

Kurt Russell. Well, Kurt Russell is, and will always be in my mind, Snake Plisken. 'nuff said. Russell is one of those rare Hollywood actors who has successfully made the rite-pf-passage from child actor in Disney movies to adult roles in every conceivable genre. Now, Russell is transitioning nicely into more mature roles. The guy can do it all and has proven it over a long career.

As a contributor to Latin Heat Entertainment, I was hoping to write more about Gina Rodriguez' role as Andrea, the oil rig control center operator. The Hollywood Reporter named Rodriguez “the next big thing” and one of the top “35 Latinas under the age of 35.” She's received kudos for her performances in the CW's Jane the Virgin, and her star turn in the indie film, Filly Brown. Rodriguez breathes grit and heart into her supporting role in Deepwater Horizon. Certainly, we'll be seeing a lot more of Gina Rodriguez in larger parts in feature films.

In the opening scene of Deepwater Horizon, director Peter Berg builds the suspense gradually with a warm, loving sequence of domestic interplay between Mike, his wife and daughter. But Berg sets off the ticking time mob when Mike arrives on the job and senses that things are not quite right.

Like many disaster films (The Poseidon Adventure, The Towering Inferno, and Titanic), the plot fuse is lit because of cost-cutting measures or reckless disregard for safety in order to maximize profits; actions that invariable result in tragic consequences.

The fiery destruction scenes in Deepwater Horizon are well-staged, riveting, thrilling, laced with authentic humanity, bravery and grace under fire and yes...explosive!

Deepwater Horizon could have easily worked as a horror film. Who can forget those sickening, nightly underwater images of gigantic, billowing clouds of oil endlessly gushing out into the sea? Who can forget the gut-wrenching newsreel footage of dead dolphins floating in the water and oil-soaked sea birds on the gulf shores? And who can forget British Petroleum (BP), the greedy, corporate, "mad scientists" who created this monster?

Ironically, it's science fiction and monster movies that often serve as cautionary tales of human excess and hubris. Films like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Day the Earth Stood Still and Planet of the Apes are fanciful yarns wrapped up inside a morality fable that often left us with uneasy, unanswered questions. Remember how many of those old, great science fiction flicks ended with: THE END?

Deepwater Horizon points an accusatory finger at BP, but chooses not to prosecute the case directly. It was a creative and economic choice. Message films tend to flop at the box office.

But Deepwater Horizon succeeds as a story of personal heroism, courage and the triumph over adversity in the face of a calamity of epic proportions. It's a compelling and contemporary story given the current debate this country is having over “drill, baby drill” and the quest for clean energy.

However, it must be noted that since that catastrophic 2011 event, many new off-shore oil drilling platforms are being planned to operate in the Gulf of Mexico. Despite the Deepwater Horizon oil well being officially listed as dead and sealed, oil continues to leak into the Gulf. THE END?

Wanted: Latino Movie Heroes

“Hollywood, I know your middle name. Who inspires your fabled fools?---Steely Dan

I recently saw 300 again for the 300^th time. Never get tired watching a handful of Spartan warriors hold off Xerxes million man army's march on Greece. But, have you noticed all the actors in Hollywood movies about the ancient Romans, Greeks, or Egyptians, have pale skin, bad teeth and sound like Richard Burton or James Mason?

The actress who plays the Greek Spartan queen in 300 didn't sound a bit like Ariana Huffington.

Hollywood has an ethnic authenticity problem when casting movies and deciding which ethnic groups are marketable as heroes. Consider the original 1960 western, The Magnificent Seven and the 2016 remake now screening everywhere.

Now to be cinematically accurate, The Magnificent Seven is a retelling of legendary Japanese filmmaker, Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai. So when it was proposed to produce Kurosawa's classic into an American western, Hollywood studio moguls scratched their heads quizzically:

“Is the American public going to buy a bunch of Japanese actors playing American cowboys?”

“Why not?”, asked Ricardo Montalbán, “I was a Japanese kabuki performer in Sayonara.”

Predictably, the 1960 version of The Magnificent Seven (which I love) centers around a village of poor, hapless Mexican farmers constantly being raided and robbed by local bandidos. They raise enough money to hire seven Anglo gunslingers to defend them. All well and good. Besides, who doesn't love Elmer Bernstein's stirring musical score? Director John Sturges uses William Roberts' screenplay to paint complex portraits of the seven gunslingers as morally conflicted anti-heroes.

However, from a Latino perspective, the question is why did these Mexican villagers require the services of gringo gunfighters? Another White Man's Burden subtext?

The Mexican army that kicked French Army ass at The Battle of Puebla and formed the revolutionary guerreros of Zapata and Villa came from that very same Mexican, peasant, village stock. In films like Dances with Wolves, Apocalypse Now!, and The Last Samurai, it's always an Anglo-American teaching an established warrior class of people how to do it better; the right way...the white way.

Even the jefe of the Mexican bandits is played by venerable, non-Hispanic character actor, Eli Wallach. Nothing against Wallach. He's convincingly menacing as Calvera, the cruel, ruthless bandit chief. Wallach also portrays another memorable Mexican baddie in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Wallach delivers a bravura, campy, tour de force performance as the Mexican “ugly” Tuco. Question: Why is the Mexican “the ugly”? Was Gilbert Roland busy? With Roland as Tuco, the movie would become "The Good, The Bad, y El Guapo.

So, I had an ethnic-miscasting chip (frito?) on my shoulder watching the new, 2016 version of The Magnificent Seven. Denzel Washington's appearance in the film was another issue. Washington starred in the totally unrecognizable, awful 2004 remake of The Manchurian Candidate. Denzel, regrettably, goes 0 for 2 with another cinematic whiff.

Similar plot; Poor farmers in small town are terrorized by a murderous, greedy, robber baron. But this time, the farmers are white folks. One brave woman employs the seven gunfighters. Immediately, I thought to myself, “She could have saved a lot of money by hiring seven undocumented Mexican pistoleros to do the same job.”

I mentally visualized the epic gun battles musically scored with Latino rockers, Del Castillo, under the direction of Robert Rodriguez.

Another disappointing feature of this latest incarnation is that its less an homage to the vision, spirit and heart of Kurosawa and Sturges, but instead a wink and nod to Stan Lee and Marvel Comics. Unlike the psychically damaged swordsmen / gunmen in the Kurosawa / Sturges masterpieces, these Seven are essentially one-dimensional, cardboard cut+out superheros. This movie could easily have been titled: The Fantastic Four Plus Three = Seven.

The climatic shoot-out set piece is a chaotic, drawn out sequence replete with pistols, rifles and even a Gatling gun blazing away, mowing down everybody and everything in sight. The town is reduced to a pile of splintered wood, shattered glass and dead people littering the street. The Marvelous Fantastic Seven save the town, but destroy it in the process. No worries. In the upcoming sequel, Los siete magnificos, the women folk recruit seven hunky Chicano janitors to clean up the mess.

“Excuse me, Tomas. Can I call you Tommy? Excuse me Tommy, when you finish sweeping up the street, can you come to my house and clean my pool? It's so hot and I want to wear my bikini.”

“¡Oh claro que si señorita!”

How come Hollywood doesn't use an all Latino cast to remake traditionally all-white stories? The Wizard of Oz was successfully redone with an all African-American cast (The Wiz). Why not an all Hispanic re imagining of Nicholas and Alexandra, and the epic sage of the Russian Revolution?

Let's see. How 'bout...

NICO Y LEXIE

George Lopez as Czar Nico

Sofia Vargara as Czarina Lexie

Act I

Czar Nico

Apurate vieja. We'll be late for the Grand Ball. I hired Fito Olivares to play cumbia music. Vamos a bailar toda la noche.

Czarina Lexie

Oh no, mis pies me están matando.”

 

I'll have the script to Robert Rodriguez ASAP.

The Two Chirping Chicanas and I

Movie Review: No manches Frida

Director: Nacho G. Valilla

Screenplay: Laurence Rosenthal, Claudio Herrera, Sergio Adrian Sanchez

Stars: Omar Chapparo, Martha Higareda, Monica Dionne

Country: Mexico

Language: Spanish with English subtitles

I love Netflix and Hulu. Whenever I watch a movie on my huge, flat-screen, HD TV, I recreate the art house, cinema experience by drawing the drapes and turning off the lights. Bergman (ingmar, not Ingrid) observed that sitting in a darkened movie theater, watching the flickering images on the screen while suspending disbelief for a couple of hours is the closest conscious experience to the sleeping dream-state.

So, the other day, I got out of my recliner, temporarily terminated my binge watching of La reina del sur on Netflix, and headed for the Santikos Mayan Palace cineplex to see No manches Frida.

Initially, I was the only person attending the Tuesday, 2:10 PM matinee. But just before the movie started, two Chicana ladies sat a few rows behind me and began chirping away in Spanish. My first thought was, “Oh no, my conscious dream-state movie experience is going to have non-stop play-by-play commentary in Spanish.”

Flashback...

Years ago, I went to a matinee screening of Like Water for Chocolate. Seated behind me were two Latina ladies chatting in Spanish. One of them had obviously already seen the film and was prompting the other lady on what to expect as a scene unfolded. Just before one particularly “revealing” scene, she whispered, “Este es la parte en que ella salta de la ducha desnuda y se sube en su caballo y aleja como una loca.”

Fortunately, as the opening credits rolled and No manches Frida began, the pitter-patter subsided and the two chirping Chicanas and I sat quietly, respectfully, our cell phones turned off and enjoyed the show.

No manches Frida is a very well-crafted, well-acted comedy that artfully combines the classic fish-out-of-water and unconventional, inspirational teacher v. unruly classroom motifs. We've seen variations of this popular theme in films like Goodbye, Mr. Chips, To Sir, with Love and Stand and Deliver. Not to mention popular TV shows like Welcome Back, Kotter and Room 222.

The basic plot: A thief recently released from prison named Sequi, (Omar Chapparo) tries to recover stolen money his ditzy girlfriend buried for him. Problem is, she buried the loot on the campus of a school named after the famous Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo. During his imprisonment, a gymnasium was built over the burial site.

Sequi scams a job as a substitute teacher in order to access the gymnasium and dig up his ill-gotten pesos. However, as the story progresses, Sequi finds himself crossing the threshold over from greedy thief to caring teacher.

Under the capable direction of Nacho G. Valilla, No manches Frida reminds me of classic Hollywood screwball comedies with its rapid-fire dialog, repartee, and sexual double entendres. The screenwriters also make good use of that most uniquely, versatile and eloquent Mexican word: CHINGAR.

Noted Mexican linguist, Pilar Montes de Oca, catalogs in her scholarly, must-read book El Chinganario, over 180 colorful and commonly spoken phrases spiced with every conceivable variation of “chingar.” I know for a fact there are at least 180 because I grew up hearing my abuela Juanita employ them on a daily basis. The characters in No manches Frida use them to great comedic effect. The two chirping Chicanas and I laughed hysterically whenever they were uttered. The bespectacled, bookish, school marm, Lucy, (Martha Higareda) rattles off a couple of good ones with girlish glee.

All three principle actors give first rate performances.

• Omar Chapparo is engaging as Sequi, the street-wise ladron who cons his way into the school then finds himself emotionally and romantically drawn into the world of a substitute teacher.

• Martha Higareda is a charming and vulnerable presence as Lucy, the earnest, do-gooder teacher who is instantly attracted to bad boy Sequi and his off-beat teaching methods.

• Monica Dionne does a nice turn as Miss Gaby, the tough as nails school administrator with a heart of gold.

Director Valilla's No manches Frida is a fast-paced, raucous, often raunchy comedy filled with laughs, slapstick humor, great music and highly likable characters. At its heart though, No manches Frida is a story of transformation and redemption. In his quest to recover buried treasure, Sequi discovers inner personal “treasures” that money...stolen or otherwise...can't buy.

No manches Frida is a thoroughly fun-filled narrative ride. I can report unequivocally that the two chirping Chicanas and I give No manches Frida:

¡DOS PULGARES ARRIBA!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Deplorable Gestures Start Wars

Donald Trump said recently: “Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats and they make gestures at our people they should not be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water.”

The liberal media naturally wet their collective calzones calling Trump's statement reckless, irresponsible and war-mongering, not to mention his usual tortured, hyperbolic syntax.

Well, that's a little harsh. Actually, the Trumpkin Pumpkin is on fairly firm historical footing here. El Donaldo tiene razôn.

Some examples:

• When Montezuma held his nose and made a scrunchy face when he initially met Hernan Cortez because of the Spaniards odious body odor: ¡Hijole! ¡Este tipo realmente apesta! Me da tanto azco! Well, you know the rest.

• In 1846, when Mexican local, Chuy Mendoza, stuck his tongue out at a drunk gringo in a San Antonio cantina, the Mexican-American War erupted with gusto the following day.

• World War II began after a Japanese fisherman mooned Admiral Chester Nimitz while the US naval commander was on the deck of an aircraft carrier hitting golf balls into the Pacific Ocean.

So let's not jump to conclusions when Trump speaks just because the majority of things coming out of his crooked, thin-lipped, little mouth...es pura mierda!

And what was that “our beautiful destroyers” comment about? Is The Donald intending to create a Battleship Beauty Pageant in one of his swank, glitzy, deep in hock to China hotels?

“And the winner is...Miss USS Missouri.”

Trump is also visiting Flint, Michigan. Flint citizens are still suffering from a prolonged, toxic water pollution crisis. I guess Trump is going there to unload cases of his unsold Trump Water/ Do them a favor,compadre, toss in a few of those unsold Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka.

Meanwhile, Hillary is recuperating from pneumonia with some much needed rest and a nice, hot bowl of sopa de res.

“Tome una tortilla de maiz mijita. Hazte un taquito con la carne/”

¿Azul Tejas?

There ain't no place in America like Texas pardner. Or to be more linguistically suited for San Antonio: No hay ningun lugar iqual como Tejas amigo.      Everything about Texas is BIG; hair, ten gallon hats, ranches,  burgers, burritos, chimichangas, egos, and cities. Texas is not a melting pot, rather it's a glorious bowl of menudo filled with different ethnic groups, cultures, politics and values. It's also changing. This once bright red state is slowly, but surely, turning blue. Texas has always been a fairly conservative state, but its also always had a strong undercurrent of progressive thought. Just go to Austin. I did. I lived and worked there for ten years. The city's motto is Keep Austin Weird. With its tolerant, laid-back ambience, Austin is a mecca for artists, musicians, free-thinkers, alternative health and has a thriving gay and lesbian community. Austin looks and feels more like Berkeley than Brownsville.   The most ethnically / racially diverse city in America is not New York, Chicago, Los Angeles or Miami; it's Houston.  Cities like Austin, Dallas and Houston are increasingly attracting high-tech industries from the East and West Coast.     Besides, a state that produced Janis Joplin, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Barbara Jordan, LBJ, Selena, Flaco Jimenez and Molly Ivins can't be all bad.   But all the signs Texas is turning blue are all there. Here are just a few. Dallas Morning News Endorse Hillary for President This very conservative, Republican newspaper hadn't endorsed a Democrat for president since Andrew Jackson. Back then, the editorial board wrote: "We have reservations about Old Hickory's Indian removal and relocation policy, but we think he'll look great on the twenty dollar bill. Just get a haircut!" Castro Brothers Energize Latino Voter Turnout The Castro Brothers (the Mexicans, Julian and Joaquin, not those pedos viejos tristes commie Cubans, Fidel and Raul) have been inspiring and working to get out the sleeping giant Hispanic vote in Texas. Both of these guapo, rising rock stars in the Democratic  party are candidates to head the DNC. Why not both brothers at the same time? They are identical twins. Who'd know the difference?  Opposition to Racist Mexican-American History Textbook This textbook has been widely condemned by Hispanic commjnity leaders for its insulting, derogatory and stereotypical depiction of Mexican-Americans as "lazy" and "prone to drink on the job." Well, someday we'll get this whole Alamo myth right. Sorry Davy Crockett. You were not liberating Texas. You were trespassing.  Register to Vote at Your Local Corner Taco Truck This is actually happening all over Texas. "I'll have three tacos con carne asada, cilantro y cebolla and a voter regirstraion form to go please."   Campaign Droppings  Let's Pillory Hillary Again... A basket of deplorables? Sounds like sometrhing you have the FTD florists deliver to your ex- after a nasty, bitter break-up.        "Oh, a basket of deplorables! My favorites; thistles, poison sumac,  stink weed and cockle bur. How perfectly thoughtless you bastard!”        Hillary's comments were, of course, spot on regarding a certain segment of Trump supporters. She was trying to appeal to those few reasonable, moderate Republicants who find Trump deplorable.  Don't Want to Talk About It... I love the way Trump is backing off his birther conspiracy theory: "I'm not talking about that anymore. I've moved on to talking about basket weaving jobs for my deplorables.         How convenient...        "Mr. Hitler, what about all those Jews you shot, baked, fried and gassed?"       "Oh, I'm not talking about that anymore. I've moved on to talking about my peeps building VW bugs and buses for hippies."

A Taco in Every Pot

As the Great Depression loomed on the American horizon, Herbert Hoover's presidential campaign slogan was: "A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage."

Didn't quite work out that way. Not only was a chicken missing from every pot, most people didn't even have a pot to pee in. The only thing in empty car garages were crickets chirping.

Last week,, Marco Guitierrez, the founder of Latinos for Trump (oxymoron?) sounded a similar note when he warned if we didn't get immigration under control, there would be "a taco truck on every corner." Gee Marco, you make it sound like a bad thing. It's already a reality here in Texas and no one is complaining.

There's nothing more ubiquitous on the modern American landscape than the taco: soft tacos, crispy tacos, beef, fish, bean, veggie tacos, breakfast tacos, lunch tacos, dinner tacos, midnight snack tacos. When I lived in McAllen, Texas in the Rio Gande Valley, there were taco concessions in the gas stations! There are in fact already taco trucks on every corner. So what is Gutierrez talking about?

There could be a coded message in the filling of that little taquito he tossed out about a taco truck on every corner...Aztlan. Gutierrez is promoting the fear of Hispanics, especially Mexicans, populating and taking over all of North America and re-creating the mythical origin of the Aztecs, Aztlan. Kind of hard to imagine Aztec temples and pyramids popping up in Des Moines, Iowa, Poughkeepsie, New York or Altoona, Pennsylvania. But a taco truck on every corner, that's a dog whistle that conjures up a scary visual.

Thank God Trump went down Mexico way and had a mano a mano confrontation with Mexican President Peña Nieto to lay down the law on this immigration problem. But at first, it was not clear why Trump was going down there on such short notice. Rumor had it he was either crossing the border to score some dope, work on his tan or get a tattoo in Tijuana.

Okay, I confess...I started those rumors.

They had a private meeting, so who really knows what went on. I have an idea.

Trump is the ultimate Wrestle Mania candidate; trash-talking, bragging, insulting, self-promoter. But since he was a visitor and guest in Mexico, I think he agreed to go Lucha Libre-style against Peña Nieto. So they both donned appropriate costumes. Trump became Trumpkin the Pumpkin and Peña Nieto became Mucho Macho Man. After a wrestling match filled with headlocks, armlocks, dredlocks, Goldilocks, noogies on the forehead, nipple pinching and twisting, (Ouch! that hurt just writing it), throwing each other against the ropes, and a few body slams, they quit and showered. Whether they showered together or separately...quen sabe. Afterwards, they held that overly polite, boring, yawn inducing press conference for the cameras.

Trump: "Enrique, can I call you Hank? Hank, you're one tough, hard homre. You Mexicans are great people. I love all of you, believe me.

Peña Nieto: “Gracias por nada cabron. You're very soft."

Trump: “I extend my teeny, tiny hand to you and call you amigo, compadre, compañero, hermanito. Mexico and America are friends. Oh, by the way, this suit I'm wearing was made here in Mexico, but when I become president, they will be made in America...by Mexicans. Sorry Hank."

Peña Nieto: "No importa. Y por la ûtima vez, Mexico nunca pagará pur su maldito pared.”

Trump: "Fine. You people can just go back to selling t-shirts to tourists."

Or selling tacos on every corner in Aztlan USA?

Well, if Gutierrez's nightmare scenario of a takeover by Hispanics of the United States is realized, I guess those future Aztlan USA politicians running for office will be promising "a taco in every pot."

The Power of Our Fiesta DNA

¡Sigue adelante Señor Trump, construye su maldito pared!

Originally, I was going to write about the 125^th anniversary of Fiesta San Antonio. However, persistent, bad weather coupled with my crippling procrastination syndrome (CPS), kept me from attending any of the events this year..

Sidebar: I am a life-long, card-carrying member of Procrastinators Anonymous, but I've never attended any meetings. My feeling has always been: “Eh, I'll go next week.”

But I didn't want to write about any specific Fiesta event. My focus was going to be on the history and spiritual genesis of Fiesta San Antonio. The thesis being “fiesta” is a trait baked into the DNA pan dulce of all Latinos.

Growing up Mexican-American (pre-Chicano, still a hyphenated American time frame) in East San Jose, that fiesta DNA gene was a ubiquitous presence like Sunday morning menudo. I had, at one time, at least 450,000 first cousins, mostly females. I may be exaggerating, but not by much. Every weekend, without fail, there was either a wedding, birth, baptism, birthday, holiday or funeral. All these events required a fiesta. My huge, extended family was ready to party (fiesta) at the drop of a hat...or sombrero...whichever fell first.

Copious amounts of chicken mole, enchiladas, arroz, frijoles, tortillas, cerveza (usually Burgermeister, aka Burgie, or Lucky Lager), Mexican music, dancing, laughter, hugging, kissing and the occasional fist fight was the joyous, celebratory, raucous norm para mi familia.

As a teen in high school, there were pachuco parties near downtown San Jose. The fiesta template was essentially the same as the one described above with one  notable exception' the music leaned more toward R&B, Soul, Jimmy Read and James Brown.

Additionally, the first language of choice was caló, followed by Spanglish, then Spanish and a smattering of English. This was the late 50s and early 60s when the pachuco epoch of the 40s and 50s was waning and morphing into the low-rider car culture and the dawn of The Great Chicano Awakening.

But I wanted to go back 125 years to put the origin of Fiesta San Antonio into historical context. What was happening back in 1891 that paralleled the birth of Fiesta San Antonio? Here's what I found.

In 1891...

• George C. Hormel and Co. introduced Spam.

• French artist, Paul Gauguin, traveled to Tahiti to paint Polynesian women.

• President Benjamin Harrison visited San Francisco.

Yeah, I know. I had a hard time suppressing a yawn too.

I was struggling how to weave these different historical threads into a coherent narrative fabric that would illustrate my thesis: the spirit of fiesta baked into our collective DNA.

But I got distracted becoming aware of a 500-pound gorilla in the room. A 500-pound, orange, odious, obnoxious gorilla with the carcass of a chupacabra perched on his head posing as a haircut: Donald J. Trump! Donald J. Trump? ¡Hijole! Gag me with a cuchara ese! The Donald is now the actual Republican candidate for president of these United States! A very scary prospect to be sure.

But I don't think we need be frightened of things that go Trump in the night. El Donaldo made the mistake of galvanizing the entire, world-wide Hispanic community against him with his ludicrous, racist remarks about Mexican immigrants. Like many before him, he's badly underestimated, miscalculated and misunderstood the burgeoning power and indomitable spirit of the Latino people.

So what if Paul Gauguin went to Tahiti rather than Mexico and didn't paint beautiful mexicanas on the beaches of Puerto Escondido? Who cares? The iconic Mexican-American actor, Anthony Quinn, won an Oscar portraying the French artist in the movie Lust for Life.

Who cares if President Benjamin Harrison went to San Francisco? La Presidente Hillary Clinton will come here to San Antonio and enjoy the sun, food and culture of our River Walk. Note to Hillary: Don't forget your Tums and sun screen mijita.

Fiesta San Anton will indeed be very festive in 2017, thanks to the anticipated historic Hispanic voter turnout this year. Who knows how much larger the turnout would be if Hillary had chosen Julian Castro, former mayor of San Antonio, as her running mate. Regardless, the headline across the nation the morning after the election will be: The Spirit of Fiesta Trumps Donald!

So...

¡Sigue adelante Señor Trump, construye su maldito pared!

A million talented, passionate Latino mural artists will paint a 1,500 mile colorfully vibrant celebration of our culture, heritage and victory on that maldito wall. And you can bet every weekend from Brownsville, Texas to Douglas, Arizona to San Ysidro, California, it will be fiesta time USA all along that wall! ¡Bienvenidos todos!

Oh yeah, almost forgot...Spam. My father once made tamales using spicy Spam as the filling. They were actually pretty good. Gracias Señor Hormel.